All we want is love. Not only is the title of the famous song from Ane Brun, it is, after all, the truth. Everything we do in life has either of the following inducements: Moving towards pleasure, or moving away from pain. Seeking love, safety and a place where we are heard and held is the most natural thing for us to do. As love brings us pleasure, it brings pain as well when things don’t work out. So how to create a conscious relationship?
As result, we wait for someone who is the perfect fit. We wait for the “One” that will wash away all our tears. Who figured it all out, and with whom it will all work out perfectly. I don’t want to burst bubbles here, but EVERY relationship requires work. If you always wait for others to do the work before you enter a relationship, I am sorry to say, you’ll probably wait for long. Instead, learn to create a conscious relationship, starting with yourself.
Past traumas as an obstacle
We all have our traumas and might carry them for a lifetime, even if the „work“ is done, the triggers might still come up. We are NEVER done with the work. Life goes on, new situations, reflections and conflicts occur, and those need to be worked through, too. Instead of waiting for someone who has it all figured out, give it a chance, follow your heart. A relationship is a community project, not a competition. The biggest reflection and growth in life we do experience through the interaction with others. Partners, parents, friends. There were the trauma is caused, it’s mostly worked through as well. If you’re in a constant state of waiting for someone who has it all figured out, you’re basically taking away your biggest opportunity for growth. Where do we evolve most if not in relationships?
Protecting your heart and holding back emotions is a normal mechanism after a heart break, sure. But will you give that one person in the past the power over your whole future? Follow your intuition, and choose wisely. Make sure they are WILLING to do the work, and not if the work is already done. How are you going to evolve together, grow as a couple, if they are already „finished“? A relationship happens on one level, as a constant flow of student and teacher, mother and child, and lover to lover.
Creating a conscious relationship starts with yourself
Instead of looking for the perfect „one“, start with yourself. Practice your communication skills, learn how to hold first yourself and then your partner partner through emotional turbulence. Learn how to separate their emotions from yours. Make peace with yourself, and don‘t take things personally. Do YOUR work, this allows them to do theirs and both of you to grow together. Become crystal clear about your needs, your boundaries, and your expectations. Knowing yourself and standing by yourself will attract what you put out there. Ask yourself some questions:
- What lights you up? What makes you shine and gives you joy? Those are the things that need space in whatever relationship with whoever you enter
- What part of you wants a relationship and what for? If you’re lonely and try the fill a void, you should first take a look at why you can’t be happy on your own and enter a new connection from a point of awareness to not let it become more of an attachment instead of love
- What are your needs? We all have them. Become clear and practice communicating them first to yourself, and then to others
- What are your boundaries? Stand strong by them but always question yourself: Is this my ego or an actual threshold?
- What was the example of relationship you grew up with? How were love and affection lived in your home? What were you missing as a child and what traits of your parents can you see in yourself?
Self-awareness is really the key here. As I am SO passionate about this stuff and absolutely LOVE to share the processes I went through. It was long, terrifying and full of traps that held me back much longer than needed. To make it easier for you, stay tuned here for my upcoming retreats or contact me for a one-on-one session. We talk about your past (to let go) and ground you into presence to create your future. Meditations, embodiment movement and heaps of first-aid tools from the schools of Yoga, Tantra, NLP and Ayurveda fused with modern science teachings from authors like Joe Dispenza.
Conscious communication
Communication is key! You can‘t over communicate when it comes to shadow work. Talk through it, help each other reflect, make it clear in a loving way if you need space. Express your needs. Get to know each other, every little detail. Talk about expectations. Set boundaries. Take enough time for yourself. Make space for intimacy. That’s what makes a relationship work. Conscious communication on relationships can look like this:
- Communicate your needs and boundaries, neither men nor women can read minds. Clear communication prevents conflict before it even comes up
- Instead of reacting, try: I am feeling triggered right now. I need to take a few minutes to digest that, sit with it and see where it’s coming from. Thank you, I love you.
- Long hugs after discussions
- Make time for intimacy and presence – switch off phones and enjoy each other (doesn’t always have to be sex!)
- Always, always prioritize your needs. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Be considerate, not selfish. Compromises are important but constantly compromising your needs can be fatal
- Never stop appreciating each other – compliments, surprises, dates, new adventures, and little gifts (Both giving and both receiving!)
- You can’t change your partner. You can express what bothers you and then work on your reaction towards them. Real change starts with your inner peace, so always ask: Why am I triggered, and what is my part in this?
- Dream together: Future, family, holiday, or simply the dinner on Friday – sharing and caring are key to create a conscious relationship
So how to create a conscious relationship?
Don‘t wait for someone who’s done with the work. If we all do, there will be little love in this world.
So here is your answer: You don’t find the “One”. You create your “One” within, and then find someone who brings up the best and the worst in you so you can keep on perfecting what’s already yours. You create a conscious relationship long before you actually get into a connection because first of all, a conscious relationship is about the relationship to yourself, not to others.
