Fear is what I feel when I think of interactions with people that are strangers to me like the cashier in the supermarket or the waiter in the restaurant. Panic arises when a group event comes up where most of the others are people I am not familiar with. Heaviness comes up when I have a coffee date with a friend, but need nothing more than space. This is called social anxiety.
People, especially strangers, scare the shit out of me.
I remember thousands of occasions where I had my period thrice a months, multiple relatives dies multiple times and my poor dog had to be sick for weeks at the time.
People overwhelm me but regardless, my calendar is full with social dates. Bad moods, misunderstandings and slight changes in once voice hit me full force and negative emotions become my own in a heartbeat. Trying to live up to the standards of the person in front of me, trying to fulfill their expectations, trying to be liked. Especially with strangers, and especially in groups, I can see myself acting on social programs I learned to embody to not be seen as strange and awkward. Often, I don’t allow myself to be authentic and I don’t allow myself to show that playful, loving and dreaming side of me as I’m too busy taking on too many emotions and too many unknown energies. People mean stress to me.
And as socially anxious as I am, a part of me wants nothing more than to be liked.
Anxiety is a lack of some sort – what is missing?
That’s why I make up excuses instead of honestly stating: „Today, everything is too much. I need space and time for myself“. I don’t want to be weak, not seen as I am not able to handle what society expects from us. What I often forget in this loop is that I am not weak – I am over sensitive.
But because I base a sense of my self worth on other people liking me, I show up at times where I should just show up for myself. I hold space for others, and forget to hold space for myself. I carry a mask of playful lightness over a drained face, inviting heaviness to enter the gaps of my divided presence straight into my heart. On days like this, others walk out straighter why I can barely lift me feet.
As in any other case, I need to look at what’s my part in this. I contribute to this feeling, this story, with a lack of self-love and boundaries. I abandon my needs in a twisted perception of compassion and responsibility for others, failing to project that compassion onto me.
In between a million excuses for social occasions, holding space in one-on-ones or groups of people in workshops and retreats is not nearly as heavy as my social life can be. Why? Because the role of the facilitator protects me, allows me to set clear boundaries and take on people’s emotions separated by a clear line of professionality. My compassion here is disconnected from my own story, allowing energies to pass through. My own identification disappears in the background, creating space for a different story than mine. This, in fact, empowers me.
What to do with this social anxiety?
Now where I figured out what it is – how do I deal with it? My inner conflict in between a craving for space, the feeling of social anxiety and needing to be liked continues, sometimes more, sometimes less. There is a slow process happening connected to more profound understanding of my own needs and accepting them as they are. To come to a deeper sense of peace, I practice three things:
- Honestly. Honesty about how I feel, what I need and what I want or don’t want. Honesty with myself and others.
- I take enough time to recharge in between social interactions. Never compromise meditation, movement and nutrition in order to life up to social obligations. With daily lists, I get my priorities straight.
- Detaching from the idea everybody needs to like ma. Giving that sense of worthiness to myself and surround myself with people that are willing to accept me the way I am. People come and go, but true soul alignments stay. I practice trust.
Do you have anything to add to the list? Give me your tips and tricks how you deal with social anxiety. Can’t wait to hear from you!
