How to create a healthy relationship

You’re not going to like this, but start with yourself. If you find yourself over and over again in destructive, toxic relationships, then you need to own a part of that. In fact, you are the problem. Not the fact that the other person is abusive, violent or unavailable, but the fact that you allow them into your life is entirely your responsibility. You attracted this, and you let it happen. Whether you’re single or already in a partnership: You hold the key to how to create a healthy relationship in your own hands.

I know that it absolutely sucks to hear that. But look at this from another angle: When you always play the victim role, you give all your power away. It’s always another person’s fault, always an unhealthy dynamic starting with the others, always everybody’s but your responsibility. You’re outsourcing your power! Once you step up, and you own the part you play in those exchanges, the real magic happens: You’re actually giving yourself the power to change it. How could you not if you see clearly that you’re contributing to this?

Single or taken, in this article, we explore the different points that make up a healthy relationship and how you can work on them alone and with others.

Coming out of abusive relationships

This is highly triggering for victims of abuse. Having had my experiences with violence in the past, I really want to point out that whatever form of abuse you’re experiencing is NOT your fault. It’s simply your responsibility to not stick around anymore, and look at why you allowed this to happen in order to make different choices in the future. That applies to long-term abuse, not tragic occasions like rape or out of control environmental events.

Coming from instable, unavailable partners, the one that is actually safe will first feel wrong. Boring. Your nervous system is used to constant activation, wondering and questioning, so that experiencing safety for the first time will probably irritate you. Healthy communication is your way out, talking open about how you feel. The stability you experience is unfamiliar, and you don’t know how to deal with it. You’ll most likely be walking on eggshells, careful and unsure how to act. All I’m saying is that just because it doesn’t feel exciting, it doesn’t mean it’s not good for you. Keeping that in mind: Let’s see how to make it better next time!

7 quick steps on how to create a healthy relationship

Building and maintaining healthy relationships is a fundamental aspect of human experience, bringing us joy, support, and a sense of belonging. However, cultivating and nurturing these connections requires effort, self-reflection, and a commitment to personal growth. I put this as a share of my personal experience, and can’t wait to hear yours in the comment section! If you’re in a hurry, look at those quick steps or dive deep in the section after.

1. Do the work on yourself. Really love yourself first. If you’re unsure about yourself, criticism will hit you a lot harder and cause conflict. You don’t need a relationship to be fulfilled, you choose to share your life with someone. Prioritize your health, you can’t build functioning relationships based on an unhealthy body.
2. Figure out exactly what it is you seek in a partner, and be open to receiving that differently than you expect. Know your standards and core values, but also be aware of the fact that we’re all human and not perfect. There is no perfect “the one”. There are just two people who are equally willing to do the work.
3. Work on your attachment style. Why are you anxious, mistrusting or controlling?
4. Drop the physical for a moment and ask yourself what is more important: muscles or a man that will be a good father?
5. Be open to new people. You never know!
6. Practice open communication with your friends and family. Get used to expressing your feelings and thoughts in a non-defensive, honest way. Healthy communication of needs to find compromises is the most important thing in a relationship.
7. Start looking into the masculine, feminine polarity framework.

Step 1: Do the work on yourself

Do the work on yourself: The foundation of any healthy relationship begins with self-love and self-acceptance. Taking the time to understand and appreciate yourself allows you to show up authentically in your relationships. When you have a strong sense of self-worth, criticism and conflicts will have less impact on your overall well-being. Prioritize self-care, practice self-compassion, and invest in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. By doing the work on yourself, you can create a solid base for healthy connections with others. This is really the foundation of how to create a healthy relationship. The rest is just an ad-on.

Define your desires and expectations: Reflect on the qualities and values you seek in a partner, while also acknowledging that perfection doesn’t exist. It’s important to have a clear understanding of what you desire in a relationship, as it serves as a guide when choosing a partner. However, be open to receiving love and connection in unexpected ways. Recognize that both individuals in a relationship must be willing to put in effort and growth to create a fulfilling connection.

Understand your attachment style: Our attachment style, developed in early childhood, influences how we form and maintain relationships. Reflect on any anxious, mistrustful, or controlling tendencies you may have. Explore the underlying reasons behind these patterns, and consider seeking support or resources to develop a secure attachment style. Understanding your attachment style can help you navigate relationships with awareness and compassion.

Shift focus from physical attributes: While physical attraction can initially draw us to someone, it’s important to look beyond superficial characteristics. Consider what truly matters in a partner. Ask yourself if qualities like being a loving and supportive parent, having shared values, or being emotionally available are more important than physical appearance. Prioritize qualities that contribute to a strong and healthy relationship.

Communicate effectively: Communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. Practice active listening, empathy, and assertiveness. Be open and honest with your feelings and needs while respecting those of your partner. Avoid assumptions and engage in open dialogue to foster understanding and connection. Remember, effective communication is a skill that can be developed with practice. Always ask yourself what do I know before you start assuming.

Cultivating open communication is vital for fostering healthy relationships. Practice expressing your thoughts and feelings honestly and non-defensively with friends and family. Create a safe space where open dialogue is encouraged, allowing for authentic and meaningful conversations. Active listening, empathy, and the willingness to understand others’ perspectives are key components of effective communication. By developing these skills, you can strengthen your relationships and navigate conflicts or challenges more effectively. Here a few tips to keep in mind whilst practicing active listening, the foundation of healthy communication.

• What are they actually saying? Just listen to their words, and just to the words. 
• Instead of reacting to something you think to understand, ask: I understand you’re saying … . Is this correct? 
• Are you sacrificing, as your ego puts it, or are you actually compromising? Compromises are key in order to make any relationship work. 
• Ask yourself: what is the greatest choice I can make here? 
• Remind yourself that you can’t change others. You can just change your reaction to them. 
• Before you’re disappointed for not getting what you want, check in with yourself: have you actually clearly expressed what it is you need?

Step 2: Do the work together to create a healthy relationship

Embrace new connections: For the singles: Life is full of opportunities to meet new people and form genuine connections. Stay open to the possibility of unexpected encounters and be willing to engage with different individuals. Sometimes, the most meaningful relationships can arise from unexpected places or situations. Approach new connections with curiosity and an open heart, allowing for the potential growth and enrichment that they can bring to your life.

Explore masculine and feminine polarity: Relationships are often influenced by the interplay of masculine and feminine energies. Understanding and exploring these concepts can offer valuable insights into relationship dynamics. Masculine energy is associated with qualities such as strength, assertiveness, and action, while feminine energy embodies traits like nurturing, intuition, and receptivity. Recognizing and honoring the unique expressions of these energies within yourself and your partner can contribute to a balanced and harmonious connection. Exploring the framework of masculine and feminine polarity can deepen your understanding of relationship dynamics and potentially enhance the depth and intimacy of your connections.

It’s important to note that the concepts of masculine and feminine energies exist beyond gender stereotypes and can be present in individuals of any gender identity. Each person possesses a unique blend of these energies, and exploring them can bring a deeper understanding of oneself and how they relate to others. There are so many practices you can use to connect deeper with your partner in and outside the bedroom.

Cultivate trust and respect: Trust and respect create the bedrock of any successful relationship. Be reliable, consistent, and transparent in your words and actions. Honor your commitments and boundaries while respecting those of your partner. Trust and respect create a safe and secure environment where both individuals can grow and flourish. If you, like me, face massive trust issues, start to communicate everything from a space of love. Own your insecurities and let your partner know how to support you through this. Jealousy doesn’t exist if there is open communication. This is one of the main points on how to create a healthy relationship.

Embrace growth and change: Relationships are dynamic and evolve over time. Embrace personal growth and encourage it in your partner. Support each other’s dreams, goals, and aspirations. Understand that growth and change are natural and can lead to a deeper connection when approached with open-mindedness and support. If you’re not growing and evolving, you’re stagnating. This, for most people, is a natural thing to happen in long-term partnerships. I say: It doesn’t have to. As a solid rule, I’d say always treat your partner as if you’d be trying to seduce them for the first time. Never stop appreciating each other and expressing that appreciation. Make time around work, kids and social life just for the two of you. How are you supposed to grow if you don’t put in the work?

Invest in quality time: Make a conscious effort to spend quality time together. Disconnect from distractions and create opportunities for shared experiences, conversations, and intimacy. Building a strong emotional connection requires nurturing the relationship through meaningful and dedicated time spent together. What does your partner like? Surprise them, and have one fixed date night every week.

Resolve conflicts with compassion: Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. Approach conflicts with compassion, seeking to understand rather than to win. Practice active listening, empathy, and finding common ground. Look for solutions that benefit both individuals and promote mutual growth and understanding. Not everything needs to be solved straight away. If one of you has a tendency to emotional reactivity, take some space when you feel that things get heated up, and it’s more ego than heart-to-heart communication. Take some space, and talk about it after if it still remains an issue. Also, there are some things that don’t need to be talked out. Over-communication is a thing, and it can be exhausting to discuss every single disagreement. You can simply agree to disagree.

In conclusion, discovering and nurturing healthy relationships is an ongoing journey of self-growth and connection. By prioritizing self-love, defining your desires, understanding your attachment style, shifting focus from physical attributes, and cultivating effective communication, trust, and respect, you can build fulfilling and meaningful connections with others. Embrace growth, invest in quality time, resolve conflicts with compassion, and seek professional help if needed. I truly hope that this article could help you with the question of how to create a healthy relationship. Remember, healthy relationships require effort, commitment, and a willingness to evolve together.