Words, sentences, examples – that is how we express ourselves in conversation with others. Talking about the weather, alright, it’s either sunny or not. But there is nothing more personal than the individual understanding of bigger terms than rainy and sunny: lonely, responsibility, relationship, affectionate or appreciative. Especially in conversation with our loved ones, our personal understandings of certain aspects often get entangled with unexpressed needs, ego and old wounds being ripped open by a small trigger. That’s where conscious communication comes in.
How do you do that?
Understanding that nothing is meant personal is rule number 1. Everybody, all the time, acts the best with the resources they have available. That firstly means that whatever hurts you is firstly yours to own. Instead of reacting, screaming and bursting ask the simple question if it was really meant that way. Our minds are faster with interpreting things than we think.
Second, be smart in choice to when have a conversation. When the other one is on the run or already stressed, leave it. Come to an agreement to when have the conversation like this: I really need to talk to you about this and want us to take some space for this. Are you free tonight? That creates a space were the both of you make that choice together. If you feel things are heating up, try this: I am really triggered right now and would love to continue that conversation later. I love you, but please let me sit with this first.
Really practice active listening. Listen to what is said, not what it brings up in you. As soon as you can sense yourself becoming emotionally charged, take a deep breath. Remain respectful and clear in your communication. Always think of what a certain expression would do to you – would it hurt you? Then don’t say it. Be constantly in check with yourself and make sure you’re communicating from a space of compassion and love, not ego and righteousness.
How do you achieve conscious communication?
Can you listen to what they say instead of how it makes you feel?
Can you listen to their words instead of your inner voice, screaming louder than theirs?
Can you listen to what they mean instead of what you want to hear?
In difficult conversations with loved ones, our ego often wants to get it wrong in order to feed your own personal story. Why wouldn’t it? Remaining stuck in the same believe seems to be easier than considering a whole different view. Result is a conflictive, explosive mixture of two people trying to convince, trying to prove their point and trying to be right about something where mutual acceptance and respect for different points of view can prevent a fight from the start.
Things to try
As the egos job to protect our identity and so our personal story, it runs our subconscious programs and reactions. Try this to trick it:
✨ What are they actually saying? Just listen to their words, and just to the words.
✨Instead of reacting to something you think to understand, ask: I understand you’re saying … . Is this correct?
✨ Are you sacrificing as your ego puts it or are you actually compromising? Compromises are key in order to make any relationship work.
✨ Ask yourself: what is the greatest choice I can make here?
✨ Remind yourself that you can’t change other. You can just change your reaction to them.
✨ Before you’re disappointed for not getting what you want, check in with yourself: have you actually clearly expressed what it is you need?
What are your guidelines for conscious communication? Let me know in the comments ⬇️
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