Dear friends, dear family, dear people,
Please listen, I want to tell you something. Something about me and, in the end, something about you.
I sing loud and very wrong to every song I barely know the text. Everywhere. I interrupt you because sometimes I really think that what I have to say is way more important than what you are saying or I simply can’t shut up. I am messy, super messy, and there are cloths mountains all over my room until I freak out and everything is super tidy but then I search something in my closet. I put myself over others, sometimes, and it might offend you but I simply don’t think so please don’t take it personal. In the mornings I press snooze 7 times because I really don’t want to get up. Sometimes I pretend to be sick because work really sucks but I know that everybody does that from time to time. Maybe I do it a little bit more often. In the nights, I dream. There is a whole universe in my head I need to discover and there are days I don’t know if I am dreaming or awake. I get lost in this endless space, in the velvet coat of the darkness and the depth of my own mind. It’s beautiful and horrible at the same time. I wear dirty cloths because I can’t manage to do my laundry on a regular basis. I am late, always and everywhere. I talk loud and gesticulate wildly, but I am not searching for attention. I am just angry, upset, passionate, drunk or simply fascinated by one topic. I fight for less mass animal husbandry but I still eat meat from time to time. Yes, sometimes I even go to McDonalds or some other fast food shit. I practice Yoga and meditation, every day, but I get triggered, still, and react emotionally uncontrolled from my lower centers. I create my own world, my own dreams and visions every day. I present myself as a strong, independent and emancipated woman but still need my partners shoulder to cry or simply lean on. Yes, sometimes I even need him to set the world around me when I am down. I spent hours in front of my closet because I can’t decide what to wear and think my ass is too fat and my arms to female and my nose too long. And of course because I can’t find what I am searching for in my mess. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I hate what I see until I realize how beautiful I am. How much character, how much wisdom and hoch much beauty are speaking out of my face, how hungry for life my eyes are and how strong my facial features. I love me, every single bit, every part, every millimeter of my skin. Of course there is cellulite, there is weak skin, somewhere there is too much and somewhere to less. I love the way I talk even if I hate what I am saying, I admire my own knowledge and the fact, that people listen to me. I took me years of work and you, dear people, won’t take that away from me. If I am loud and excited around you I am not nervous, I am just happy to see you. If I fade away in our conversations it doesn’t mean I am not interested in what you are saying, I am just dreaming and go for a walk in my mind. I speak out loud what I think and I am sorry if it hurts you but I won’t hold back my truth just to save your reality. I travel, a lot, by plane even if I spent hours, days and weeks inventing campaigns, going to demonstrations and prepare texts against climatic change. I want you to wake up and see what we can do, how much potential we have when we work together, not against each other. If there is a good song, any beat or just a noise my body starts to move. I dance everywhere. I laugh loud when something is funny and again: I am not seeking for attention, I just express my feelings freely like everybody should. I love to write, to draw, to create but I am lazy, so lazy, and I brought procrastination to mastership. I listen to my friends, for hours, and then I go and talk behind their back. If somebody needs me, I am there, without any conditions. Sometimes I loose myself while nurturing somebody else. At some days in the street I can’t touch the gaps in between the bricks because I swear, there is fire. I am the straight spine of my family, the one who carries and hold them together the best I can. I cheated on my partners, multiple times, and there is no excuse. I hurt the people I love the most, again and again, apologized, repeat. I don’t practice what I preach. I build sandcastles and play in the mud for hours. I love to be dirty. If I see you getting aggressive against woman, children ore people that are simply different, you are dead. If there is injustice anywhere I speak up, stand up, fight without thinking about myself. I publish texts about less pollution, less plastic and more consciousness about environment but I still drive a car and buy vegetables in plastic foil because its cheaper. I am a hypocrite. I always want to be tough but there is a soft and very romantic side inside me that makes me cry with every single movie. If I show you my vulnerability it means I know you won’t see it as weakness but as strength. I don’t show many people. I am addicted to our energy exchange and the magnetism between our bodies. I am very sensitive to vibes and I feel your lies, always. I saw hell and heaven, darkness and light, sometimes at the same time. I write everything down because I feel like my head is not big enough for all these things and I am obsessed by not loosing a single moment, a single thought or a single conversation. I lie, I tell stories that are exaggerated or simply somebody’s, not mine. I know you do it too. I am just well organized because I am afraid, terrified of loosing control. Sometimes I can’t have my food mixed on my plate. Vegetables have to be separated, meat, sauce and potatoes are not allowed to touch. It drives me crazy if they do. I am a nerd, I definitely am. I am a highly sexual woman and I enjoy mens faces when I cross the street, feel their eyes caressing my curves. I dress up sexy and sometimes like a slut just to provoke you, just to push you away when you come closer. I am aware of my power over the other sex and, sometimes, my sex too. I am jealous, manipulative and sometimes, very controlling. I expect things I am not willed to give. I want to be free, but I don’t want to share you. I really prefer animals over humans, they are loyal and don’t talk. I cry and fall in deep black holes without bottom, I fall and fall and fall. So deep that I feel like drowning in my own desperation, hate, fear and emotions. But right there, covered by a coat of black oily negativity I always remembered that I have wings to fly and you, dear people, where never able to bend me down. I am free. Free of my past, free of the heaviness you try to put on me every single day, free of the concrete blocks you want to fix my feet in. I am weak an fragil, strong and stabil. I love, hate, desire, crave and feel. I am whatever the moment requires and what feels right. That’s me, without any mask, disguise or costume. And now where you know me I am going to tell you something:
Dear friends, family and people, I am intelligent and old enough to make my own decisions.
I met a men, perfectly imperfect, and he is older than me, much older. He’s from the other end of the world. You say I love the wrong person. You say there is no future. You say I am giving up my life.
It’s your reality, not mine.
My world is a little bit less colorful without you, a little bit colder, a little bit too serious, my heart too empty and my mind too cloudy because the rhythm of your breath is missing to clear it up. It hurts, so deeply, every second, but I love missing you. I am building my own world and yes, I definitely live in my dreams and one day, my dreams will be my reality when you are still busy avoid dreaming. You might not understand and thats okay. I don’t want you to understand, just accept. Let me be. I listen to your shit, everyday, without judging. That’s why you talk to me. So stop judging. What exactly do you know about my relationship to interfere every day? What knowledge do you have without even asking me? What gives you the right to give me advices even if you don’t know our interaction, rules, conversations and agreements? Do you really think you make it easier while telling me its difficult? That it’s a big age difference (REALLY?!) and a big distance? That we can’t plan to see each other because of corona? Do you think I don’t know that? What do you know about our plans, what do you know about the future, what do you know about what I want and how my vision looks like? So now listen: accept or fuck off. If you don’t understand and are not willed to try, shut up and keep your shit to you. Stop trying to change me. I live my life with joy while you are busy trying to control mine instead of living yours. I feel every single moment, every sensation, every single emotions fulfills me with gratitude and I see the whole picture while you are just focused on the bottom part. I laugh, dance, act like a child and follow my dreams while you are so focused on staying so serious and being embarrassed because I do what I do. I am happy while taking risks, I make experiences out of the nutshell, still following my path, while you are worried about me? I worry about you because you, dear people, are trapped. Trapped in society, trapped in your beliefe systems, trapped in your own limited minds. Wake up, dream.
I am present, enjoying my life, going with the flow and believe it or not, everything falls in place.
I live the moment.
Maybe, just maybe, you should do the same.